The Tao of Pearl

Pearls of Wisdom:
It doesn't not matter how slow you go so long as you stop to eat food that falls from the table or any left behind by other dogs, like Lux.

-Pearl-fucius

pages

Hi, I'm Pearl

tumblinks

search

powered by tumblr
seattle theme by parker ehret

  1. I dunno. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. You may think I am looking at your face or that I’m giving you puppy dog kisses, but I’m really just licking leftovers off your cheeks or waiting for something to fall. “Something,” by the way, refers to a cut of beef, popcorn, dog treats, chips, carrots, ham, sliced deli turkey… you get it.
This is my usual perspective. Ok, you’re wearing weird white tiger pants that you procured from the local urban goods store.
Cool. When will you drop half of that granola bar?
Nice fringe boots. How about you let that PB&J slip out of your greasy fingers.
Look who’s super skinny! You can’t stay that way if you wolf down that pork chop.

Today’s pearl: You’re not really going to eat that. You certainly can’t hold it and take a selfie. So, let the little things fall to the way-side. Just be sure I am nearby so I can clean up your mess. It’s not about me. It’s all about you.

    I dunno. I guess it’s a matter of perspective. You may think I am looking at your face or that I’m giving you puppy dog kisses, but I’m really just licking leftovers off your cheeks or waiting for something to fall. “Something,” by the way, refers to a cut of beef, popcorn, dog treats, chips, carrots, ham, sliced deli turkey… you get it.

    This is my usual perspective. Ok, you’re wearing weird white tiger pants that you procured from the local urban goods store.

    Cool. When will you drop half of that granola bar?

    Nice fringe boots. How about you let that PB&J slip out of your greasy fingers.

    Look who’s super skinny! You can’t stay that way if you wolf down that pork chop.

    Today’s pearl: You’re not really going to eat that. You certainly can’t hold it and take a selfie. So, let the little things fall to the way-side. Just be sure I am nearby so I can clean up your mess. It’s not about me. It’s all about you.

     
     selfie  legs  tiger  pug  pearl  wisdom  humor  funny 
     
  2. It’s Americana Music Festival time!  
Now, don’t get me wrong; I love a dust bowl-y, greaser slick back black hair-y, felt hat wearer-y, foot stomper-y kind of music as much as the next gal, but there’s a time and place for your music.  FYI-this is neither the time nor the place.
Sorry to put all four of my feet down on this one, but as you can tell from the breathtaking posture and stance I am assuming, my body yearns for the mellow bass of baby makin music.  Bring back the slow yams ya’ll!  How about you trade those Cone Mills, selvedge denim, unsanforized skinny jeans for something silky with an elastic waistband.  I want to see fabric ripple down your body like a chocolate waterfall!  Slow.  It.  Down.

Today’s Pearl:  You like what you like and I’ll like what I like.  I’m ok with it and you should be too.  Now, pack that jingle, jangle guitar and gruff “whoa is me” and “what is the future all about” lyrics on the back of your jalopy and scoot on out the the west.  Leave me Luther Vandross, Boys II Men, and Sade, honey.  The only Great Depression in here is gonna be on the mattress!  Steam, baby… cause it’s hot.

    It’s Americana Music Festival time!

    Now, don’t get me wrong; I love a dust bowl-y, greaser slick back black hair-y, felt hat wearer-y, foot stomper-y kind of music as much as the next gal, but there’s a time and place for your music. FYI-this is neither the time nor the place.

    Sorry to put all four of my feet down on this one, but as you can tell from the breathtaking posture and stance I am assuming, my body yearns for the mellow bass of baby makin music. Bring back the slow yams ya’ll! How about you trade those Cone Mills, selvedge denim, unsanforized skinny jeans for something silky with an elastic waistband. I want to see fabric ripple down your body like a chocolate waterfall! Slow. It. Down.

    Today’s Pearl: You like what you like and I’ll like what I like. I’m ok with it and you should be too. Now, pack that jingle, jangle guitar and gruff “whoa is me” and “what is the future all about” lyrics on the back of your jalopy and scoot on out the the west. Leave me Luther Vandross, Boys II Men, and Sade, honey. The only Great Depression in here is gonna be on the mattress! Steam, baby… cause it’s hot.

     
     
  3. Some days are less productive than others. Take “Father’s Day” for example. To show thanks to my adopted father, I have allowed him to rise at 6 am, watch me wander the yard in aimless circle until I find the bet spot to squat, eat loudly, and go back to sleep as he sips coffee. Alone. Because everyone else is still asleep. And I am re-joining them. Because I’ve had a super productive morning. 
See how generous I am?!?!

Today’s pearl: Give generously. Make your father feel valued by putting him to work. The fruits of his labor will satisfy him beyond anything else. Trust me. The look in my “father’s” eyes is nothing short of love. I think it’s love?  Wait, what do puffy, red eyes mean??  Yeah, that’s love.

    Some days are less productive than others. Take “Father’s Day” for example. To show thanks to my adopted father, I have allowed him to rise at 6 am, watch me wander the yard in aimless circle until I find the bet spot to squat, eat loudly, and go back to sleep as he sips coffee. Alone. Because everyone else is still asleep. And I am re-joining them. Because I’ve had a super productive morning.
    See how generous I am?!?!

    Today’s pearl: Give generously. Make your father feel valued by putting him to work. The fruits of his labor will satisfy him beyond anything else. Trust me. The look in my “father’s” eyes is nothing short of love. I think it’s love? Wait, what do puffy, red eyes mean?? Yeah, that’s love.

     
     
  4. Some people seem to think being fucking awesome is a burden.  It’s not.  Being awesome is just what I am.  
The fact is, you’re probably burdened with a series of self inflicted strikes.  Don’t do that to yourself!  The more you point out your own short-comings the more more you start to believe it.  Even I could make a brief list of things that could make me feel down on myself.  I mean, I think I could. Let’s see…
Slightly to greatly overweight
Slow
Snores loudly
Bossy
Pig headed
Eats items found in bathroom trashcans
Barks at old ladies (unsure if this is a bad thing)
Demands the pillows at night
Willful disobedience
Intolerant of children
Lacking patience
Resistant to physical activity unless there is a treat at the end
Unrestrained bowels
Unreasonably strong sense of Pug exceptionalism
Steals the stick during fetch
Chews on Lux’s leg during walks
Sheds
Wakes at sun-break (this means 5:30 AM in the summer)
Lack of any and all potential income
Disproportionately small head

Wow.  That wasn’t fun.  Good thing NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO ME!

Today’s pearl - We all have something that could burden us.  Your list is probably 10 times as long as mine because, but don’t let that get you down.  Own who you are.  Love it.  Poop on the floor when you need to go and sleep with your head in the water bowl.  This is your life and you get to make the rules.

    Some people seem to think being fucking awesome is a burden.  It’s not.  Being awesome is just what I am.  

    The fact is, you’re probably burdened with a series of self inflicted strikes.  Don’t do that to yourself!  The more you point out your own short-comings the more more you start to believe it.  Even I could make a brief list of things that could make me feel down on myself.  I mean, I think I could. Let’s see…

    1. Slightly to greatly overweight
    2. Slow
    3. Snores loudly
    4. Bossy
    5. Pig headed
    6. Eats items found in bathroom trashcans
    7. Barks at old ladies (unsure if this is a bad thing)
    8. Demands the pillows at night
    9. Willful disobedience
    10. Intolerant of children
    11. Lacking patience
    12. Resistant to physical activity unless there is a treat at the end
    13. Unrestrained bowels
    14. Unreasonably strong sense of Pug exceptionalism
    15. Steals the stick during fetch
    16. Chews on Lux’s leg during walks
    17. Sheds
    18. Wakes at sun-break (this means 5:30 AM in the summer)
    19. Lack of any and all potential income
    20. Disproportionately small head

    Wow.  That wasn’t fun.  Good thing NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO ME!

    Today’s pearl - We all have something that could burden us.  Your list is probably 10 times as long as mine because, but don’t let that get you down.  Own who you are.  Love it.  Poop on the floor when you need to go and sleep with your head in the water bowl.  This is your life and you get to make the rules.

     
     
  5. I haven’t done much in my 14 years (2 human years), but I’ve impressed upon my Frenchie and cat partners the importance of keeping their mouths shut during intense interrogation. Even when the woman of the house attempts to pin a sudden disappearance of cat food (which I may or may not be aware of) on a certain black pug, I stay cool. More importantly, my crew stays cool. To reward this allegiance, I hooked my girl Lux up
    with some treats and my cat Ford got some toilet water. And me… I just ate a few pounds of Meow Mix. Recognize!!!

    Pearl of the day-some risks are worth taking cat food is one of them. If you don’t believe me, eat a handful. Life changing.

     
     
  6. What is it about gold that drives a woman (like me) mad?  Is it the shimmer?  Is it the elusiveness?  Is it exclusivity?  Is is the weight?  
Oddly enough, these are all the things that attract people to me. Add big buggy eyes, a winning attitude, and ferocious appetite and my Match.com profile is top 10…nay… Top 3!

Today’s pearl: you are who you are. Sure, I have more in common with gold than you do and that makes me a bit more special, but you may align with sterling silver, granite, or applewood smoked bacon… And who doesn’t love bacon?

    What is it about gold that drives a woman (like me) mad? Is it the shimmer? Is it the elusiveness? Is it exclusivity? Is is the weight?
    Oddly enough, these are all the things that attract people to me. Add big buggy eyes, a winning attitude, and ferocious appetite and my Match.com profile is top 10…nay… Top 3!

    Today’s pearl: you are who you are. Sure, I have more in common with gold than you do and that makes me a bit more special, but you may align with sterling silver, granite, or applewood smoked bacon… And who doesn’t love bacon?

     
     pug  pearl  wisdom  advice  gold  humor  funny  bacon  dog 
     
  7. We chased a cat this morning. I say “we” loosely. The truth is Lux chased a cat an I took off after her. I’d say it was a solid 2 minutes before I realized what we were after. But somehow, that didn’t matter. I was with my best friend, our feet pounded the pavement and our tongues waved in the breeze (that tongue thing is probably more me than Lux).  Eyes wide open and nose full of the morning dew, I lumbered through the back yard of the neighbor’s house. Lux, like lightning trapped in a pinball machine, darted back and forth until the chase was over. We smiled and trotted back home.  It was a perfect morning.

Today’s pearl:  you’re going to get in trouble when you cross the road to chase a cat. So, go with your best friend. It makes for a better story later.

    We chased a cat this morning. I say “we” loosely. The truth is Lux chased a cat an I took off after her. I’d say it was a solid 2 minutes before I realized what we were after. But somehow, that didn’t matter. I was with my best friend, our feet pounded the pavement and our tongues waved in the breeze (that tongue thing is probably more me than Lux). Eyes wide open and nose full of the morning dew, I lumbered through the back yard of the neighbor’s house. Lux, like lightning trapped in a pinball machine, darted back and forth until the chase was over. We smiled and trotted back home. It was a perfect morning.

    Today’s pearl: you’re going to get in trouble when you cross the road to chase a cat. So, go with your best friend. It makes for a better story later.

     
     pug  frenchie  friends  cat  dog  funny 
     
  8. We have chickens now. In the backyard, locked in a pug proof cage and smelling like goodness… They perch and prance, eating tidbits of grain and pecking relentlessly at their water bowl. Their little “all inclusive” hedge-side getaway boasts a wood chipped bed and multi level living space. “Bring them out,” I say. Let them meet the natives on this island. Let us welcome them on their egg laying holiday. Nothing to worry about. Just me. Just Lux and Pearl. Just us circling and saying “Hello.”
Today’s pearl: When you holiday in the Dominican on your plush resort and umbrella drink laden poolside bar, don’t forget to visit the friendly locals living just beyond those 15 foot high walls. Come on out. C’mon. Shhhh. It’s ok.

    We have chickens now. In the backyard, locked in a pug proof cage and smelling like goodness… They perch and prance, eating tidbits of grain and pecking relentlessly at their water bowl. Their little “all inclusive” hedge-side getaway boasts a wood chipped bed and multi level living space. “Bring them out,” I say. Let them meet the natives on this island. Let us welcome them on their egg laying holiday. Nothing to worry about. Just me. Just Lux and Pearl. Just us circling and saying “Hello.”

    Today’s pearl: When you holiday in the Dominican on your plush resort and umbrella drink laden poolside bar, don’t forget to visit the friendly locals living just beyond those 15 foot high walls. Come on out. C’mon. Shhhh. It’s ok.

     
     
  9. This life is but a fleeting moment in the grand scheme. All of the time empties out and everything seems to exist on one big canvas. I mean, did you know Cleopatra lived closer to the lunar landing than the construction of the pyramids? Tyrannosaurus Rex is closer to us than it is a Stegosaurus. In our mind’s eye, this can’t be right. Craaaaaazy, right?

Today’s pearl:  stop for a moment and look around. You’ve got, what, 50 late Summers/ early Falls left in your life. Good or bad, enjoy the moment. Take it for what it is. In a blink of an eye, it will be over.

    This life is but a fleeting moment in the grand scheme. All of the time empties out and everything seems to exist on one big canvas. I mean, did you know Cleopatra lived closer to the lunar landing than the construction of the pyramids? Tyrannosaurus Rex is closer to us than it is a Stegosaurus. In our mind’s eye, this can’t be right. Craaaaaazy, right?

    Today’s pearl: stop for a moment and look around. You’ve got, what, 50 late Summers/ early Falls left in your life. Good or bad, enjoy the moment. Take it for what it is. In a blink of an eye, it will be over.

     
     
  10. With so much going on in the world, I feel out of balance. At first I thought it was my robust upper torso and slim hips making me absurdly top heavy. Then I thought it was my insatiable lust to eat one of the new chickens in the backyard. After that, I thought it was a lack of sleep (only 18.5 hrs of sleep yesterday).  
But then I realized, this is all part of the flow. The eternal balance. The yin and yang of life. The dark will give way to morning and all will be well. 

Today’s pearl: don’t worry so much about the future or put too much stock in the past. Focus on the present and the balance that rests in the momen…SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL!  SQUIRRRRRRRREL!

    With so much going on in the world, I feel out of balance. At first I thought it was my robust upper torso and slim hips making me absurdly top heavy. Then I thought it was my insatiable lust to eat one of the new chickens in the backyard. After that, I thought it was a lack of sleep (only 18.5 hrs of sleep yesterday).
    But then I realized, this is all part of the flow. The eternal balance. The yin and yang of life. The dark will give way to morning and all will be well.

    Today’s pearl: don’t worry so much about the future or put too much stock in the past. Focus on the present and the balance that rests in the momen…SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! SQUIRRRRRRRREL!

     
     
  11. Three questions: Is there a particular type of butt you prefer sniffing or resting on? What's your favorite people-food? Do you use different snorts to communicate different messages to humans?
    asked by bobdoom
    answer:

    I know where this is going so, no, I will not sniff your butt. I will, however, sleep in your head. All night.
    As far as people food, I go for anything in your pockets, on your plate, or in the fridge. Don’t spoil it with all that cooking. Just drop it on the floor.
    My snorts are just my way of letting you know I’m alive… And I’m hungry.

    Great questions!

     
     
  12. Hi there. I’m taking calls today so send me a note if you have any questions about butts, food, snorting, eating sofas or anything.

    Hi there. I’m taking calls today so send me a note if you have any questions about butts, food, snorting, eating sofas or anything.

     
     
  13. Do you know what it’s like to eat the same thing every day, day after day for weeks on end?  Do you ever think “Golly, I really want something the size of a malt ball with the flavor of corn and salmon in a metal bowl and some room temperature water to wash it back!” Do you have to lick anyone’s groggy face just to get them to scoop your food from a bin or bag and slide it across the floor with a huff and grunt?  Are you ever sitting at home, sans thumbs, past 6:00 pm waiting for a well thumbed person to wrap up happy hour and find the time to feed you/take you out/pet you/discover a first edition Kurt Vonnegut mauled on the dinning room floor?

Today’s pearl: If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you are A) weird B) doing time in Turkey C) my brethren. 
If you answered “no,” then quit your belly achin!  I don’t want to hear about your friends or followers, your bonus or bust size.  I don’t care about The Real Housewives of wherever or the cool new app you want to blow .99 on. I don’t care about any of it… Unless you’re with me, in the kitchen with food or on the sofa with a treat.  Call me selfish, but always call me for dinner.

    Do you know what it’s like to eat the same thing every day, day after day for weeks on end? Do you ever think “Golly, I really want something the size of a malt ball with the flavor of corn and salmon in a metal bowl and some room temperature water to wash it back!” Do you have to lick anyone’s groggy face just to get them to scoop your food from a bin or bag and slide it across the floor with a huff and grunt? Are you ever sitting at home, sans thumbs, past 6:00 pm waiting for a well thumbed person to wrap up happy hour and find the time to feed you/take you out/pet you/discover a first edition Kurt Vonnegut mauled on the dinning room floor?

    Today’s pearl: If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you are A) weird B) doing time in Turkey C) my brethren.
    If you answered “no,” then quit your belly achin! I don’t want to hear about your friends or followers, your bonus or bust size. I don’t care about The Real Housewives of wherever or the cool new app you want to blow .99 on. I don’t care about any of it… Unless you’re with me, in the kitchen with food or on the sofa with a treat. Call me selfish, but always call me for dinner.

     
     dinner  food  pug  dog  wisdom  love 
     
  14. They say, if you love something let it go. If it comes back it couldn’t do better and decided to stick with the devil it knows. I may be mixing cliches here but whatever. You get the point. 

I say, if you love something, bury it in the yard so that no one can take it away from you. Chew on it and leave a mark. Growl when anyone gets close and lose your shit if someone takes it. I say, if you love something, go fucking crazy to hang on to it forever.  

Today’s pearl:  no matter what, love something. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else because it’s yours and if anyone comes near, bite them. Or feign as though you will bite them. Or bark or something.  But love something no matter what.

    They say, if you love something let it go. If it comes back it couldn’t do better and decided to stick with the devil it knows. I may be mixing cliches here but whatever. You get the point.

    I say, if you love something, bury it in the yard so that no one can take it away from you. Chew on it and leave a mark. Growl when anyone gets close and lose your shit if someone takes it. I say, if you love something, go fucking crazy to hang on to it forever.

    Today’s pearl: no matter what, love something. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else because it’s yours and if anyone comes near, bite them. Or feign as though you will bite them. Or bark or something. But love something no matter what.

     
     
  15. What is all this talk about “championship bloodlines?”
Yes, I was born in a box in a smoky living room under the blue glow of daytime TV. My early moments of life are marked with the sounds of processed food crunching in heavy jowls (not my own) and the rumble of a train or cement mixer rolling by.
Does that humble, blue collar upbringing hold me down?
No sir! Maybe I don’t have a championship bloodline, but look at me! I’m like that chick who rose from the streets to sign a WNBA contract or that chick who invented some ultra-lightweight fabric for ship sails or that chick who started in the garage and made a zillion dollar global business. (OK, maybe I’m more “garage” than “zillion dollars,” but you get the point.)
Today’s pearl: unburden yourself from the expectations of others and rock this joint until everyone’s arms fall off. You’re a fucking champion, just like me!

    What is all this talk about “championship bloodlines?”

    Yes, I was born in a box in a smoky living room under the blue glow of daytime TV. My early moments of life are marked with the sounds of processed food crunching in heavy jowls (not my own) and the rumble of a train or cement mixer rolling by.

    Does that humble, blue collar upbringing hold me down?

    No sir! Maybe I don’t have a championship bloodline, but look at me! I’m like that chick who rose from the streets to sign a WNBA contract or that chick who invented some ultra-lightweight fabric for ship sails or that chick who started in the garage and made a zillion dollar global business. (OK, maybe I’m more “garage” than “zillion dollars,” but you get the point.)

    Today’s pearl: unburden yourself from the expectations of others and rock this joint until everyone’s arms fall off. You’re a fucking champion, just like me!